Sometimes.

Sometimes no matter what I do
and no matter who I do it with
I still get that same frustrated feeling.

It isn't really loneliness... It isn't really an emptiness.

It's commonly known that people are loneliest when surrounded by others; that may seem backward but it is true.  Being surrounded by people who don't care is a very lonely feeling.

That's not my issue, though, because too many people love and care for me. 

I think my issue is that I don't see eye to eye with anyone.

I'm just too tall.


I get this little angry fire built up inside.  It used to be unbottled (my siblings would literally run screaming from me: "He's got the fire!" knowing that in my enraged state I could fell a bear with my bare hands, much less a pestering older sibling), but since I've adapted to "civilized society" I've noticed that I bottle it up and use it as fuel.  Somebody told me I couldn't become a Nurse, so I got mad and did it.  Silly example, but it proves the point. 

Very selfish to get angry because I feel misunderstood.  Very pubescent, I suppose.

What worries me is that I tend to burn bridges when I'm propelled by that fire, and I tend to prioritize people's opinions of me far less than previously.  I can be a very cold, calculating, manipulative overlord.

For better or for worse.
Sometimes.

Cloudy

Yeah, sometimes even when you know the truth, the ability to act on it is out of your reach because your judgment is clouded by your heart.

Tough stuff.

challenge

Monday I was having a discussion with a professor about my life's goals.

"Do you REALLY want to know?"

"Yep."

I then proceeded to tell her that I was going to cure diseases, provide humanitarian relief and change American(and world by proxy) culture. 

"Well you know you aren't going to be able to do that, so..."

Aside from being realistic, I'm sure she didn't mean anything bad.  She didn't mean to try to discourage me.  She just cannot fathom someone doing so much good in one lifetime.  It's beyond belief to her.  That makes me sad.  People don't believe in the ability to change things, to fix and mend and create and smile. 

What I want to make plain is that I understand that I don't have the ability to do these things.

What I want to make plain is that I can believe in them, and I can fathom them. 

At this point in my life I'm struggling with demons of motivation, NOT the lack of belief.  I've seen magic and I know it, and I'll recognize it once again some day, be it at my own hand or another's.

Yet to come

sleep while you can

acrid dreams of dire gray

you'll not escape our plan

of brightest, newest play

we're over what was

and ready for what will be

the past is already done

your future lies with me

adventures and schools and justice

running, pills or dying cannot belay

to keep you from this

our happiest of days

i've no fear; you will survive

because i know your destiny

i know you'll stay alive

to stay awake with me

Full disclosure:  I can't live without my best friend.  He is and always will be my partner in crime, my confidante, my brother.  I'd be silly to assume things will get better in our relationship without first getting worse, but the thing is... I've always known that would happen. 

That's not to say I don't feel guilty.  I'm pompous enough and prideful enough to have developed quite an amazing Jesus complex; assuming that my own hand is the cog that turns the wheel in every person's life I touch.  Maybe there are things I could have done, maybe there aren't.  Either way, the facts don't change.

Cyclical change

Some things just never change.   I refuse to believe that people are included in that.
I ran into a girl I hadn't seen for 15 years over the weekend, and she's gone from holding my hand as a tiny two-year-old to being 6'4" and a connoisseur of fine black women.  That's more change than Obama can shake a stick at.

I didn't do a good job being selfless since last week.  Not at all.  It has been very interesting to think about, though.  I blur the line between a rationale and an excuse a lot, and I think that has a something to do with it.

Excuse: I can do whatever I want because I'm me
Rationale:  I shouldn't do that because... I know better

Apparently there is some nasty gossip flying around about me.  I guess you could say sometimes I'm nasty enough that it will be hard to discern the truth from the lies.  I've been gossiped about before, that part doesn't sting so bad.  It's the source that burns.  It's hard to say goodbye to your confidante...It's hard to let go of an intimacy that reaches that level.  To be able to belay that relationship so ardently is alien to me... I mean, I can sure pretend to..But to actually do it is truly impressive.  I have been beaten at my own game, it appears.  Good.  I don't want to play games anymore.

Call 1-800-tilldeathdouspart, only $1,236.89 plus $2004.56 shipping and handling* Non-refundable, some terms, conditions, limitations and exclusions will apply.

The line that I need to pay more attention to next time is: You must be 18 or older to call.

So I think I'm going to try writing a little more.  My writing is absolute rubbish; I knew that going in, accept it, and embrace it.  Rubbish can be the best of times.  When you were a kid did you want the brand-new blanket or your old, worn, adventure-laden one?  Duh.  Comfortable rubbish.  My rubbish this time is about a young kid who changes the world through technology, and an older woman who reverts the world through philosophy.   I love the concept of exploring a technological possibility while providing dialogue and commentary on sociopolitical and ethical issues.  Some day I'd love to make people think... I don't believe we do enough of that these days... Too much primal outburst.  I mean, Bella dies, do we really want that for ourselves?

*Airfare